Goodfellows Interview

Aug 31, 2010

Our interviewer sits down with Tommy DeStefano and Frankie Castalucci to get up close and personal.

INTERVIEWER: Why have you gentleman decided to go back to college?

 

TOMMY: It’s too hard to make a living now as a gangster, y’understand?  People are too aware.

 

FRANKIE: Yeah, the Sopranos fucked everyting up.

 

TOMMY: The Sopranos made the people too aware.  These kids here, they’ll help you.  They’ll carry the money out and put it in your car!

 

F: Plus, I like college.  I’m learning all kindsa stuff I never knew like,   Shakespeare!

 

T: My brotha’s been going to college for ten years, never made a dime.  Me? Two weeks I already kicked 10 G upstairs. 

 

F: His brotha don’t make nothin’!  Tommy’s the smart one.

 

T: I’m the smart one, he got book smarts! 

 

F: We’re street smart.

 

T: My brother he couldn’t cross the street without Cliff Notes.

 

INT: So you like college students?

 

F: They’re stunad!

 

T: College people don’t know nothing about the real world——they know facts, figures, theories.  I know the real world.  Lemme tell you somethin’: all you gotta know is how much money you got——and how much of your money I’m gonna get.  I like to do things things nice, but if you don’t wanna do it nice——no problem have it your way, I’m like Burger King. 

 

At this point Frankie laughs hysterically in a frightening high pitched hyena-like cackle.

 

INT: How long have you known Frankie?

 

I met Frankie in grade school.  Some other kid tried to steal his chocolate milk, and Frankie snapped.

 

F: I got upset.

 

T: I had to talk him down.  When he’s like that  he’s like a wild elephant.  No one can talk to him except me.

 

F: It’s like I go to this place, y’know?  I lose control.

 

T: So I try to take care of him, look out for him.  He ain’t a bad guy if looks charm and intelligence don’t count.

 

INT: What are your dreams?  How would you like to be remembered?

 

T: He was a good guy, he made you laugh, his mother was happy to have him a son.

 

 

F: The most important thing is to be betta than you was yesterday.  Constant improvement.  I got a book from Dr Phil.  It teaches you how to be a better person.  I got a problem with carbs.

 

T: You got a problem with everything.  Carbs, protein, fats you name it.

 

F: You got a problem with alcohol!

 

T: Shaddup! (explaining) Sometimes I drink too much.

 

INT: Frankie, do you have a problem with anger management?

 

F: The fuck you saying?  I don’t like your implication.

 

INT: Your friend says it’s an issue.

 

F: Oh yeah?  Go climb a tree you fucking monkey.

 

T: Relax relax.

 

F: Don’t tell me to relax you fuckin bastid.

 

Frankie leapt to his feet and smashed a chair against the wall, glowering at me.

 

T: Oh, ay!  Enough!  We got company, ya gonna make him think you’re an animal!

 

Frankie finally sat down at this point after much coaxing from Tommy.

 

T:  Tell him!  You’re a bunny rabbit!

 

F: I got a brotha with special abilities. 

 

T: He’s a mongoloid.

 

F: Hey watch it with the names.

 

T: Nothin’ bad, he’s like Trig.

 

F: I’m just sayin’.

 

T: Well you said special abilities, like he’s frickin’ Superman or somethin’!  The guy’s here to interview you, be clear at least!

 

INT: Would you ever want to live anywhere besides the Bronx?

 

T: The only other place I wanna live is Italy.

 

F: The Bronx has the best delis and mortadell.

 

INT: What about your family?

 

F: I ain’t seen my dad since I was ten.  He give me a bike when I was a kid.  He’d come and visit on Sunday, then he took off with a Puerto Rican broad.  Broke my heart when my father left.  That’s why I like kids, I feel bad for dem.

 

T: Here we go…

 

F: I’d like to work with kids.

 

T: Work with kids?  You’d wind up in jail.

 

F: Shut up I love kids.

 

T: Yeah, for breakfast!

 

F: Enough with the insults!

 

INT: What, to you, is special about being Italian??

 

T: It gives you roots, if you don’t know your Italian you ain’t nothing. 

 

F: I like Jews, but the food’s not good.

 

T: And they’re cheap bastids. 

 

F: The Irish are okay but they ain’t got no food.

 

T: I used to date an Irish broad. Her father was a drunk.

 

INT: What about immigrants?

 

T: They got no place here.

 

INT: But you’re an immigrant yourself.

 

F: We been here a hundred years!  Enough is enough already!

 

INT: Thank you for your time.