Goodfellows Interview

Aug 31, 2010

Our interviewer sits down with Tommy DeStefano and Frankie Castalucci to get up close and personal.

INTERVIEWER: Why have you gentleman decided to go back to college?


TOMMY: It’s too hard to make a living now as a gangster, y’understand?  People are too aware.


FRANKIE: Yeah, the Sopranos fucked everyting up.


TOMMY: The Sopranos made the people too aware.  These kids here, they’ll help you.  They’ll carry the money out and put it in your car!


F: Plus, I like college.  I’m learning all kindsa stuff I never knew like,   Shakespeare!


T: My brotha’s been going to college for ten years, never made a dime.  Me? Two weeks I already kicked 10 G upstairs. 


F: His brotha don’t make nothin’!  Tommy’s the smart one.


T: I’m the smart one, he got book smarts! 


F: We’re street smart.


T: My brother he couldn’t cross the street without Cliff Notes.


INT: So you like college students?


F: They’re stunad!


T: College people don’t know nothing about the real world——they know facts, figures, theories.  I know the real world.  Lemme tell you somethin’: all you gotta know is how much money you got——and how much of your money I’m gonna get.  I like to do things things nice, but if you don’t wanna do it nice——no problem have it your way, I’m like Burger King. 


At this point Frankie laughs hysterically in a frightening high pitched hyena-like cackle.


INT: How long have you known Frankie?


I met Frankie in grade school.  Some other kid tried to steal his chocolate milk, and Frankie snapped.


F: I got upset.


T: I had to talk him down.  When he’s like that  he’s like a wild elephant.  No one can talk to him except me.


F: It’s like I go to this place, y’know?  I lose control.


T: So I try to take care of him, look out for him.  He ain’t a bad guy if looks charm and intelligence don’t count.


INT: What are your dreams?  How would you like to be remembered?


T: He was a good guy, he made you laugh, his mother was happy to have him a son.



F: The most important thing is to be betta than you was yesterday.  Constant improvement.  I got a book from Dr Phil.  It teaches you how to be a better person.  I got a problem with carbs.


T: You got a problem with everything.  Carbs, protein, fats you name it.


F: You got a problem with alcohol!


T: Shaddup! (explaining) Sometimes I drink too much.


INT: Frankie, do you have a problem with anger management?


F: The fuck you saying?  I don’t like your implication.


INT: Your friend says it’s an issue.


F: Oh yeah?  Go climb a tree you fucking monkey.


T: Relax relax.


F: Don’t tell me to relax you fuckin bastid.


Frankie leapt to his feet and smashed a chair against the wall, glowering at me.


T: Oh, ay!  Enough!  We got company, ya gonna make him think you’re an animal!


Frankie finally sat down at this point after much coaxing from Tommy.


T:  Tell him!  You’re a bunny rabbit!


F: I got a brotha with special abilities. 


T: He’s a mongoloid.


F: Hey watch it with the names.


T: Nothin’ bad, he’s like Trig.


F: I’m just sayin’.


T: Well you said special abilities, like he’s frickin’ Superman or somethin’!  The guy’s here to interview you, be clear at least!


INT: Would you ever want to live anywhere besides the Bronx?


T: The only other place I wanna live is Italy.


F: The Bronx has the best delis and mortadell.


INT: What about your family?


F: I ain’t seen my dad since I was ten.  He give me a bike when I was a kid.  He’d come and visit on Sunday, then he took off with a Puerto Rican broad.  Broke my heart when my father left.  That’s why I like kids, I feel bad for dem.


T: Here we go…


F: I’d like to work with kids.


T: Work with kids?  You’d wind up in jail.


F: Shut up I love kids.


T: Yeah, for breakfast!


F: Enough with the insults!


INT: What, to you, is special about being Italian??


T: It gives you roots, if you don’t know your Italian you ain’t nothing. 


F: I like Jews, but the food’s not good.


T: And they’re cheap bastids. 


F: The Irish are okay but they ain’t got no food.


T: I used to date an Irish broad. Her father was a drunk.


INT: What about immigrants?


T: They got no place here.


INT: But you’re an immigrant yourself.


F: We been here a hundred years!  Enough is enough already!


INT: Thank you for your time.